I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
