Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
