***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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