i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
