Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
