I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My breasts were aching with rage.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You are a genius and a whore.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
