somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm passing your future prison.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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