I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
