Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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