I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
