Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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