I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
