I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
