i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
why is half of my head shaved?
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