So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I could make wine with my vomit
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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