Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
