I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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