Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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