oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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