I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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