I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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