Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
