Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
