dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
