It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
