im about as happy as oj after his trial
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
