gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Is it because I queefed?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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