Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
