i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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