Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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