i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My ass is underappreciated
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
