I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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