So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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