just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
