the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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