i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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