Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
