I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
