i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
