remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
