why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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