upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize
