My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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