I didn't shave. On purpose
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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