She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
