I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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