I want to walk on stilts...naked
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
