Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
