You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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