And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
